How To Have Sex Using Twitter

GUEST BLOGGER May 11, 2012 1

By Ryan Duggins

Twitter: A place where everyone wants to be liked and have their short sentences worshipped. So what better way to spend the few minutes between watching our videos than by taking advantage of the fragile beauties before you. Make sure you’re not mid-wank though as you tweet, because your activity will make you seem like you should be locked up in a place with no pornographic material, where the only sexual outlet available is Jemal, the beast in the corner who’s been in that cell for 6 years.

Here’s how you entice someone to get on top of you using Twitter, inch-by-inch…

Step 1) Fix your profile

No one is going to fuck someone who seems to constantly be wearing his NFL jersey and eating Doritos chips, so make sure you look and sound good. Use a picture of your face as your profile image, avoiding anything that makes you seem a little bit arty. You want to look digestible, like white bread or plain yogurt. And don’t try adding sprinkles, or you’ll be using your tears as lubrication when you masturbate alone. The key is to humanize yourself as much as you can and look approachable. No semi-erect penis shots either, this isn’t Craigslist.

Step 2) Pick her out

Plus signs are: Girls that put ‘lil’ in their screen name, face shots, the over usage of ‘LOL’ and not having many followers. These girls are just here to have a laugh, not share their favorite quotes from a William Blake poem. You also want to pick out someone who doesn’t have that much activity, or someone who is ignored frequently. The very thought of someone appreciating her bullshit tweets about the new Nicki Minaj video gets her moist, but that never happens because she’s boring.

Step 3) Initial interaction

Although you want to spread the love, the thinner the spread the weaker the taste, so pick someone specific to focus on. Remember that you want to keep your cool and chilled out image intact, so you want to wait until you get a mention from somebody else first, so that you’re in control. Don’t make yourself out to be a cock-wielding Chat-Roulette addict and just stay calm. As long as you stay interesting, someone will ‘@’ you. And when they do, its game on.

Step 4) Going to DM

The issue here is, you really have no justification to DM anyone, unless it’s for sexual purposes. So what you want to do is wait until you are regularly talking on Twitter, but instead of ‘@’ing her last tweet, just DM her instead. Wait for the right time though, like when she tweets about a café she’s on her way to, and DM something like, ‘Make sure you get the white chocolate muffin, it will change your life!’ She’ll be excited that you’re connecting, but little does she know that the lines between online and real life are blurring. Your penis used to be a simple unattainable fellow hanging between the legs of someone she knows online. But now that cock is real, and it’s coming for her, quite literally.

Step 5) Meeting

Once you start talking about boring shit she’s doing, you’re practically in her bedroom. Slip into a message that you hit her local café quite a lot, and she should join you. She will say yes, but remember that meeting strangers you meet online (unless you like dogging or frequent glory holes on a regular basis) is still a bit weird so keep it to a day date so she feels more comfortable.

And next thing you know, you’re making that café’s bathroom your bitch as you engage in some pretty wild sex with an attention deprived girl you met 20 minutes ago. Allow Twitter to be more for you than your access to porn stars and porn blogs. Make it your real life pussy catcher. Time to go fishing.

One Comment »

  1. Mina July 16, 2012 at 1:37 PM - Reply

    Of Course NOT.No real sin is being committed by just watinchg pron. You are not committing adultery or coveting thy neighbors wife. Look at your 10 commandments, there is no clause in there stating you can’t stimulate your mind.Watching this with your wife might make a healthier and stronger marriage between the both of you. As long as you keep it to the watinchg and NOT acting on these urges.Also always going to confession might help you. Iam no expert. if you are feeling its wrong go ask your priest.

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