Picture This – A Woman’s Perspective

GUEST BLOGGER June 13, 2012 1

written by *Courtney*

image courtesy of collegecandy.com

[SCENE] You come home from work and you decide that you’re going to surprise your hunny with a photo of you looking GLAM.  You take a shower, shave your legs.  You even buff your butt.  You curl your hair; apply a little rouge, and today you have even seemed to master your cat eye eyeliner!

You put on some music and strut your stuff, and try a million angles to make sure you get one that’s just right.  Finally, after lots of hard work (hard work meaning all the deleting of the photographs that happened to catch that pose where you look like an old woman, or your boobs look deflated. Eeep!), you get the one you’re going to send, click your lovers name and it’s sent.

Hopefully I’m not the only woman in the world that is anxious until he writes something back… but that’s not what I am talking about today. You send this drop dead gorgeous picture to your lover and in return you get a picture back.  Uber excited, you hit receive and wait anxiously to see what hotness you’re going to find.  And then sha-ZAAM, you are staring at a chubby. [Insert movie scream here]

Not that this happened to me of course… 

All that trouble of looking beautiful, only to have your face heat up with embarrassment.  So I thought to myself, “Self. You should let the world know what women want.” Not in a complex, million page novel but a short to the point blog.  So here’s a message to the men of the world that unabashedly send lovely women pictures of their chubbies…

STOP!!!!
Think twice before you send it. You may inevitably turn us off!

Men of the world, lend me your ears!!

I feel like I should personally tell you, that when a woman sends a picture of herself to you all dolled up and looking fine, do NOT rush to drop drawers and take a shot of Mr. Humperdink. He’s not ready for the spotlight, anyway. The correct response to a woman’s picture would be:

A. Face shot. (and not that kind of face shot, you perv-os….oh wait? You weren’t thinking that. For shame.) Women love a man’s face, smile, eyes, and even teeth for God sakes. We want to see that look you give us when you want to rip off our clothes.  That way when we close our eyes, we can put your face on a different body with a different set of family jewels.  Harsh, yes.  But come on! Like you’re not wishing Lindsay Lohan would stop doing blow and blow you! So smile boys!! And send a picture we would show off to our girls.

B. Your body. (Rawr)I know I know.  It’s only one in a million of you that have a body like Brad Pitt ala Troy… all in his bronzed, oiled rock hard body with thighs that could crack walnuts… Oh sorry.  Yes. We women know that you’re not going to have washboard abs that we could eat off of (and if you do, hit me up!!).  But we want to see you show off what you got. We know you’re not Marlon Brando… but confidence is sexy!! We just want you to try already, dammit. Not some shot of the tip of your member peeking up from under your boxers. (Yes. That is completely true.)


C. Your junk. (Wait, didn’t I just tell you NOT  to send these pictures?!!)Please let me explain.  If you have a b-e-a-u-tiful penis, please send pictures of your raging hard on!!!  *drool* But for all you normal wonderful gentlemen, send one only after (WAIT UNTIL THE MOMENTS RIGHT) you send a hot face shot and a dirty text on what you want to do to her.  Because a girl will then be ready to accept a picture of your manliness!  And make sure it’s a good angle… Be a little vain, please? It’s ok to think your little man is hot. So give him his opportunity to shine.

So if you are going to try to do this… take your time. If you’re unsure, ask her if she’d like to see what exactly these texts are doing to you (i.e. photo of your proud Mr. Humperdink).  Maybe she’s not that kind of girl.  But if she is, which, I know I am, she’ll be throwing hints out like no tomorrow.  Follow these simple rules, keep it classy, and you’ll have her “oooing” and “awwing” in no time.

One Comment »

  1. QE June 19, 2012 at 1:53 AM - Reply

    Flacid peen isn’t a good look. Half mass peen is an ok look, but like you said, angles mean everything. Hard peen…yes!

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