Bachelor Breakdown

SocialSlut January 8, 2013 0

After their 15 minutes of fame… We’ll take ‘em!

Working in porn for this long has undoubtedly ruined mainstream television for me.  Last night, I was doing my best to enjoy a girls night with some of my besties while watching a chick favorite, The Bachelor. All I kept thinking as they are showing these desperate women was, “Oh yeah, we’d take her. That chick should be a webcam model. Ooo and that one has nice tits. Motorboat city!”

So I decided to take my comments where they might be appreciated, as my girlfriends certainly did not appreciate me ruining their favorite show to teardown the hopeful contestants. Here I will provide a breakdown of some of these desperate women and let them know when they’re done being dumped on national television, BangBros would be more than happy to help them pick up the pieces. Naked.

(all photos courtesy of Abc.com)

Amanda

Age 26

Fitness model from Bakersfield, CA

Breakdown: Amanda’s got some beautiful hair. Her plaid shirt gives her that laid back look like she might be cool but that bubble necklace proves she likes the finer things. This chick should consider becoming a webcam model on Naked.com after the show. Put that sexy fitness model body to work full time!

AshLee F.

Age 32

Personal Organizer from Houston, TX

Breakdown: It’s hard for me to hate on someone from the great state (Texans stick together!) but then I look at her name and it’s just too easy. With a name like “AshLee” this girl belongs in porn! Everyone knows chicks that spell their names in unconventional ways are just dying for attention. Head to Miami, BangBros will give you lots of attention AshLee F.

Ashley H.

Age 25

Fashion Model from Garner, NC

Breakdown: Wait wait wait. A “fashion model” from North Carolina? Uh uh. Daddy don’t think so. Well chick, you’re already a “model” so might as well bend over and let that tight ass make you more money than getting your arm photographed for a shiny bracelet.

Ashley P.

Age 28

Hair Stylist from Macomb, MI

Breakdown: Oh heyyyyyy Ashley P. By far my favorite Ashley. I can tell underneath that conservative top are some ta ta’s waiting to bust out. Ashley P. is an attractive girl, and check out those dick sucking lips! The studio is ready for you girl, see you soon.

Brooke

Age 25

Community Organizer from Pittsburgh, PA

Breakdown: ABC has gotten a hard time for the lack of diversity in The Bachelor series contestants. So Miss Brooke must be that taste of chocolate ABC has been lacking. With a small chest and strong arms, this chick looks like she might be good on our TugJobs site. Jerk one out, let it bust on your small titties.

Catherine

Age 26

Graphic Designer from Seattle, WA

Breakdown: This girl is with out a doubt gorgeous. She’s got a great smile, good hair, and a nice skin tone. She might be TOO pretty for porn… JUST KIDDING! We’ve got tons of gorgeous girls that lower their standards and their pants to fuck Joe Schmoes on camera. Catherine…your future is calling.

Daniella

Age 24

Commercial Casting Associate from Belmont, CA

Breakdown: This girl looks like a Stepford Wife. She’s only 24 but she looks like she could be on MILF Soup.

Desiree

Age 26

Bridal Stylist from Northglenn, CO

Breakdown: Back off crazy eyes. This chick works in the wedding industry… let that be a sign to this year’s Bachelor that he gets rid of her FAST. I’ve only ever met one Desiree before, and that girl was nasty.

Diana

Age 31

Salon Owner from Salt Lake City, UT

Breakdown: What can I say, Diana is VANILLA. Boring. Snooze. Don’t waste my time on mainstream television and don’t waste my time making boring porn. Next.

Jackie

Age 25

Cosmetics Consultant from Ormond Beach, FL

Breakdown: Jackie kind of looks like a porn star already. She’s got that fake reddish hair. Actually, she kind of looks like Jayden Cole

Kristy

Age 25

Model from Darien, WI

Breakdown: Greeeeeeat. Another model. Just one step away from XXX industry. Plus, look at her teeth. Super white… probably all that zinc from all that sperm she swallows. That cross isn’t fooling anyone. She’s a hoe.

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