God Bless America: Beer, Aliens, and Girls in Bikinis

Sloane Steel July 4, 2013 1

Today is the most important day in America. It’s a day where red blooded Americans put on their best cut off denim pants, crack open a few domestic brewskis and celebrate their goddamn freedom. Sometimes we forget what Independence Day is really about. It’s not just about wearing an American flag bikini, drinking until your face hurts, and fingerbanging a girl under the sparkling fireworks. It’s about how America became America. 

Nothing is more American than two dudes posing back-to-back in space jumpsuits.

 So, how did America become America? I’m glad you asked. Unfortunately, due to excessive drug and alcohol use I don’t really remember anything I learned in history class. Instead of giving you a two-bit inaccurate history lesson I’m going to give you something better. I may not know much about the real Independence Day but I do know a lot about the 1996 blockbuster Independence Day.

 On July 2nd, communication systems worldwide were sent into chaos by an unknown atmospheric interference. Soon after, the military discovered that a shit ton of enormous objects were on a collision course with Earth.  At first, the military thinks the objects are meteors but they are later revealed to be a giant spacecraft piloted by a mysterious alien species. On July 3rd, the aliens destroy New York, Los Angeles, and Washington D.C. with giant laser beams. The survivors all head to Area 51, a weird government testing ground where it is discovered that the military have their own giant spaceship, which they captured years ago. Jeff Goldblum shows up and is like, “I’m a really nervous Jewish person but I think we need to get into this spaceship from the 1950’s and try to fly it. You know what I mean? Let’s just see what happens.” Will Smith comes in and he says, “My man, I just punched an alien in his fucking face.  We can definitely fly this shit.” Bill Pullman, the President of the United States of America makes that face that he always makes where he scrunches his eyes and has zero emotions and says, “My wife is dead! She died wearing an awful pantsuit from Ann Taylor Loft, that’s so fucking sad. Our multi billion dollar military services are worthless. The only people that can save our world are the sleazy scientist from Jurassic Park and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.” Luckily, Will Smith is really good at flying alien spaceships, like, REALLY GOOD, and he pretty much destroys shit.  But something happens, I don’t know because I stopped reading the Wikipedia article. Shit is NOT WORKING. The aliens have a force field around their ship and Will Smith starts freaking out because his lasers aren’t working. Back at Area 51 Dennis Quaid’s crazy drunk brother is just like, “Will is not getting jiggy with it right now and I have no choice but to fuck up these aliens by driving another spaceship up this phallic beam of light right into the mother ship.” No one questions where Randy Quaid got his spaceship from because I’m pretty sure he lived in a trailer and was poor but whatever, he had a spaceship and saved Earth. All the survivors were really thankful that Randy Quaid killed himself because they all thought he was a really big dick and no one missed him. Then, Vivica A. Fox shows up and is like, “look at my crop top. Pretty good, right?”

 Really good.

Bill Pullman calls the Electoral College to tell them that the aliens have been defeated and they said, “We will declare this Independence Day!” Everyone starts cheering and then Will Smith suggests that they make a movie of this event in history and it can star his son, Jaden Smith. Suddenly, a beam of light hits the ground and Randy Quaid comes floating down wearing a silver space suit covered in crystals and he shoots Will Smith in the face. The survivors realize that Randy Quaid is actually a really cool guy and they apologize to him for making him crash his spaceship to save the Earth. He says, “don’t worry guys, N.B.D. Just promise me to honor this great day in American history by getting super wasted by a pool and then when you’re really good and drunk start setting explosives on fire. See ya!”

 You’re fucking welcome America!

So that’s it. The story of Independence Day. Celebrate your dicks off, but remember, be safe, wear sunscreen, and don’t point Roman candles at your friends’ heads (unless you’re filming it.)

 

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @SloaneSteel. It’ll be worth your time.

One Comment »

  1. Melek August 18, 2013 at 12:08 AM - Reply

    “Sorry, that was me, Smiter, blathering about unilcas…”You know, that prompted me to check, and there are a few uncial fonts out there for download. I may have to find something to do with that.Welcome, Master Po, feel free to browse around. We occasionally have a bit of kung fu pop up around here, although I’m still absolutely avoiding writing a review of RoboVampire. Just can’t do it.

Leave A Response »