Ladies, Please Shhh.

Bubba Hemingway July 17, 2013 0

Today I want to talk about a personal experience that happened the other night. As stated in the blog “Women 40 or Older in Entertainment Who Can Get It”, I’m into banging hot older women. The other night I happened to hang out with one that I boned a little over two years ago, and it reminded me as to why I never saw her again in all this time. She just couldn’t shut the fuck up! I want all the ladies and gents to read this carefully because you can use this for future reference.

I want to give you a brief history between this lady and I. We met back in 2010 through one of my cousins. I was 28 and she was about 48-49, but fine as fuck. She had a Sarah Palin thing going on only hotter, so I couldn’t help but be attracted to her. Not because I liked Sarah Palin, but I figured since politicians spend their careers fucking over people, this would be as close to fucking a politician in return as it could get. Sick fantasy, I know. Anyhow, the attraction was instant and mutual. Within a week I get this chick to blow me on Cinco de Mayo after we drank that night. I thought I was in, right? No sir, I wasn’t. She didn’t get past the blow-job. After that I said “fuck it” didn’t try again. I couldn’t understand how it didn’t go further. I know, typical male dog bullshit.

Anyhow, let’s fast forward a year. It’s June 2011. I decided to contact her out of the blue. We meet at a bar, have a few drinks, which she paid for thank goodness, then we went back to her place. Want to guess what happened next? Yeah, I finally scored. Now listen, because this is the important part. After we fucked, this woman could not shut the fuck up. She wanted to yap about everything she could. I love talking as much as anyone, but after sex is not the time to talk all kinds of bullshit. And there were things she was saying that just made her sound crazy. I only wish I could remember what they were, but I remember thinking “This woman is clinically insane.” It was annoying and got under my skin. A week later it was the same bullshit! I couldn’t handle this anymore. AND she had cats, which I’m allergic to, so it was the perfect get-away excuse and I never went back.

 Now let me bring you to this past Friday night; she called and we hung out. We went to grab a bite to eat and then headed back to my place. She poured herself some Goose and I poured myself some scotch. We’re drinking and things get a little steamy. We’re making out, the clothes are coming off, I’m hard as a rock and ready to go in and she says the words that every guy dreads. “I’m not fucking you tonight.” My eyes opened wide and my jaw dropped in shock. “Why not?” I ask. She starts yapping how its been a while for her and that we haven’t seen each other in two years and she wanted to pick up where we “left off”. I think to myself, “Bitch, we left off with me leaving your place after we fucked! What the hell are you talking about?” After pulling every ace from my sleeve, I didn’t even get so much as a blow-job and we were naked on my bed. Frustration set in. Then she starts doing what she does best-YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP. I was back to 2011 and re-living those moments as I stared at my ceiling. Then she starts criticizing all kinds of bullshit about how my landlord is 23/24 years old and he didn’t make me sign a lease (we had a gentlemen’s agreement) and that he can’t be trusted because he’s “young and dumb”.

After minutes upon minutes of praying “God, please get this woman out of my sight. You make her leave, I promise I’ll never contact her again”, she made my night. “I’m leaving” she says as she gets dressed. As we’re walking out the front door she had the audacity to say “You didn’t even ask me to stay.” I looked at her and almost wanted to say “You didn’t even suck my dick! Why the fuck would I let you stay?” but I’m a gentleman and I stayed calm and collected and in a calm tone and demeanor I replied “You got up and decided to leave. I’m not gonna force you to make a decision clearly you didn’t want to make.” It could have turned around and bit me in the ass because after replaying my words in my head it seemed like I may have wanted her to stay, but it worked. I walked her to her car and called it a night. Haven’t spoken to her since, thank God!

Ladies and gentlemen, the moral of the story is that there’s a time and a place for everything, including conversation. Ladies, don’t drive a guy nuts with stupid conversations that are irrelevant to the situation at hand, especially if it’s crazy talk. Also ladies, if you don’t plan to fuck a guy, don’t go to his apartment and get naked and blue-ball him. It ain’t cool. Gentlemen, you don’t have to put up with this bullshit either, so stand your ground, but always remain respectful towards the lady. I hope this is helpful and entertaining to you all.

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