Liquid Lap Dance and Other Ways to Jizz in Public

Sloane Steel August 22, 2013 0

Warning: This entire article is a thinly veiled excuse for me to post photos from the greatest movie of all time, Showgirls. All hail queen Nomi Malone. 

A few days ago my coworker sent me a link to a website called LiquidLapdance.com. I was intrigued. I quickly clicked onto the site and was plunged into the murky world of lap dance innovation. The website claimed that they had invented “special pants that make lap dances feel better.” I opened the video and spent the next 2:20 trying to imagine what kind of person would invent Lap Dance pants and what kind of person would purchase Lap Dance pants. I realize that Kyle McLachlan’s character in my favorite movie of all time, Showgirls is the only human I can imagine buying Lap Dance Pants.

Hello? Is this the Lap Dance Pants factory? Great! I’ll take them all. All the Lap Dance Pants you have. I’ve got a date with Cristal Connors tonight and I can already feel my dick chafing.

After watching the video I still didn’t understand what Lap Dance Pants were made from and what made them different from regular pants. I watched the video again. I put on my glasses and examined the pants. Are they…are they pajama jeans???

The perfect pant for running errands, taking the kids to school, and cumming discretely in a crowded room. 

I had to head over to the F.A.Q. section of the site to get the answers I needed. First question: What are Liquid Lapdance Pants? Answer: They’re special underwear.

Like these, except covered in human semen. 

Right now you’re probably thinking, “how are these different from normal underwear?”  These underwear come with a latex front that extends out to give your giant boner maximum boner stretch capabilities. Because if you’re at the strip club wearing special panties that you ordered offline for the sole purpose of getting dry humped by someone you paid to grind up against you while looking disinterested and coked up then chances are you have a giant dong and need that extra room in your undies!

“Do they come in XXLDong? Because I’m definitely going to need maximum stretch.”

But wait, there’s more. The innovation doesn’t stop there. The geniuses behind Liquid Lapdance created the latex panel to frame your balls and dick so the dancer can “stimulate the entire erogenous zone from the anus to the tip of the glans penis.” All you have to do is fill the latex cock holster with lube, lotion, baked beans, or whatever else you like to rub on your dick, and fork over money to the dental hygiene school drop out of your choice!

“Hey sweet tits: less brush-y, more fuck-y…I’m not wearing these latex panties filled with Scrubbing Bubbles® for nothing.” 

The best part of Liquid Lapdance™ is their dedication to the male orgasm. They even offer a World Famous Orgasm Guarantee. If you don’t cum in your shorts than they will give you a full refund. Their website claims that to date, not a single customer has asked for a refund. Probably because their customers can’t figure out what to put in the subject line of the refund email…

Maybe I should just write “refund” in the subject line. 

The bulk of the F.A.Q.s are devoted to questions pertaining to orgasms. Questions like: “Will the dancer know I just had an orgasm?”, “Is it unpleasant to cum in your pants?” and “Will I find myself sitting in a puddle of my own cum after the dance?”

Uhhhh as opposed to what? Sitting in a puddle of someone else’s cum?

Seriously, the FAQ’s are an entertaining read. At first I thought it was bizarre that someone had so many questions about disposable strip club underwear made from latex and cotton but then I realized, wait a second, I have so many questions about these disposable underwear! Can you ship them discretely or does it arrive in a hot pink box that says “GET READY TO JIZZ IN YOUR PANTS BUDDY!” (No, they arrive in a solid, generic colored box with no brand name on the outside.) Do you need to change your panties between dances? You can rewear them as long as you don’t have an abnormal amount of semen and flip upside down… “This would result in a wet spot down behind your balls which might look like you have a sweaty ass. “ For real…that’s a quote from the website.

My balls are so uncomfortably moist right now. 

I don’t know. Maybe because I’m a woman I don’t spend my time thinking about how to quietly cum in my pants without a stripper noticing. I just don’t understand why this is sold. Or why it’s sold as the perfect accouterment for a bachelor party. Why would a bunch of men want to sit around in a pool of their own ball sweat and jizz with other men? Isn’t that sort of, I dunno, really gay? And isn’t this supposed to be the opposite of gay? It just seems really fetishistic and latently homosexual to me to be around a bunch of men wearing latex ball restraints. Or maybe I don’t have the mental acuity to see that Liquid Lapdance™ is the underwear of the future.

Now I’m really starting to regret putting all my money into the “Bacon Underwear of the Future” Kickstarter campaign.

In any case, strip clubs are still disgusting money-sucking cesspools filled with trailer trash and sad fat men desperate for the attention they never received from their mothers. I don’t mind if my fiancé visits them occasionally. I know it’s part of the male experience. I just hope he remembers to throw away his disposable panties on the way home.

 

Would you wear a pair of these underwear? Tell us in the comment section and then follow me @SloaneSteel on Twitter!

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