Asian Lesbians Fucking MILFs in Space: What Your Porn Category Says About You

Sloane Steel August 29, 2013 2

Ok so, this is a thing people search for. Goodbye childhood, I will miss you. 

Years ago, in high school, my best friends and I wrote out our Last Will and Testament in case something were to happen to one of us. We wanted to make sure that in the event of our untimely death our final wishes would be fulfilled. My very specific directions include being placed on a barge that is doused in gasoline and then pushed out to sea. My friends and family will stand on the shore with flaming arrows and then shoot them onto the barge, igniting my body and watching me incinerate. This entire Viking funeral will be set to TLC’s “Waterfalls” which I want to be played from a JVC ghetto blaster. Or I want to be taken to an offshore taxidermist and turned into a very awesome Halloween prop. 

“It’s so nice to have Sloane around after all these years. She hasn’t aged a bit!”

When you’re planning your funeral there is one key element you cannot forget: you must assign an official “hard drive destroyer” to erase every bit of data off your computer. You must choose this person wisely as they will undoubtedly discover your perverted secret life. Choose a friend with a strong stomach, tight lips, and a high tolerance for baby animal bestiality porn (it’s not your fault that veal turns you on!) Think about the shit that you think you’ve deleted from your computer. It never really goes anywhere. It’s just floating somewhere in cyberspace just waiting for you to die to rear its ugly head while your mom searches through your old files marked “Christmas Photos 2010”. Do you really want your poor mom to find out that “Christmas Photos 2010” is just 480 pictures of midgets dressed as elves fellating a homeless Santa in the back of an Impala? I didn’t think so.

“This isn’t Christmas 2010…this is Christmas 2008.”

You can tell a lot about a person by their Internet history. A computer is just a giant electronic journal detailing your most private thoughts, questions, and concerns. My greatest fear in life is someone printing out a list of all my Google search terms over the course of a year. The only thing more embarrassing than a Google search for “weird discharge + vaginal+ Cheeto dust + Korean man” is what you search for on your porn tube site of choice.

Maybe your fish keep dying because your farts smell so fucking bad?

As you know by now I work in a porn office so it’s perfectly acceptable for me to walk into my boss’s office and ask, “Hey, what are your top three search terms when you jerk off?” That’s actually the least offensive question I’ve asked him this week. I took an office poll to find out what my fellow coworkers jerk off to when they’re off the clock. And the results were pretty surprising.

An astonishing 97 percent of pornographers admit to watching The Church Channel to jerk off. 

Based on my own tastes (lesbian + MILF + toy + submission + kitchen + hairy) I thought for sure the guys in my office would have the weirdest porn preferences. One coworker admitted to being so burned out by porn he had to watch tranny films to get an erection. Personally, I just think he really loves trannies.

What’s not to love?

After the poll I compiled my information (i.e. stuck Post-it notes with words like “black chicks” and “first time big tit amateur” to my screen) and analyzed the data. The following are the most popular search terms with the men in my office:

  • Asian
  • Amateur
  • Ass
  • Black Chicks
  • Blowjobs
  • Big Tits
  • College
  • Creampie
  • Feet
  • Fetish
  • Fingered
  • First Time
  • Gangbang
  • H.D.
  • Japanese
  • Latina
  • Lesbian
  • MILF
  • P.O.V.
  • Real Couples
  • Stockings
  • Teen
  • Toon
  • White Chicks

What? No “machine fucking grannies” or “one-legged pregnant bitch smoking”? What’s wrong with these people? Could it be possible that with the exception of ‘tranny lover’ all these men in my porn company have normal taste in porn? I share a desk with a man that is covered in Hellraiser tattoos, plays in a grindcore band, and edits hardcore user submitted porn videos all day and his top jerk off category is: white chicks.

Nothing makes him cream his pants quite like a Wayans brothers comedy. 

The weirdest response I received during my poll was from a guy that listed “big tits” “huge boobs” and “huge tits” as his top three search categories. When I told him those were the same thing he looked at me stone faced and said, “they definitely are not the same thing.”

From left to right: Big Tits, Huge Boobs, Huge Tits

Although there wasn’t anything totally out of left-field category wise, the choices my coworkers made revealed a lot about their personality. Let’s go back over the top choices and expound upon the kind of person that searches for the following terms:

Asian: Asian is a broad term. If we’re talking south Korean beauty pageant contestant gets fucked then ok, that could be sexy. Everyone knows hot Asian girls are like unicorns—rare and truly magnificent. If you’re looking for a cute Asian girl then I’m cool with you. You’re the kind of person who loves playing The Settlers of Catan and eating Funyuns off your stomach when you’re lying down. If you’re looking for Asian girls fucking hot curling irons and crying then you’re the kind of person that should be sent to Gitmo. Full stop.

Amateur: You’re the kind of person that stares too long at high schoolgirls and you order your coffee black but secretly love flavored coffee creamer. You are moderately attractive and have a decent relationship with your mom.

Ass: You are either from the Midwest or Latin and you have inadvertently bitten a woman dangerously hard on the ass one time. You often have dreams about clouds.

Black Chicks: Searching for black chicks means you love rap music and violently defend Kanye’s new album. If you’re white feel very conflicted about racial equality after you come. If you’re black you aren’t watching black porn because you love watching white chicks bounce around so this isn’t applicable to you.

Blowjobs: This category is solely for people who weren’t laid until college. Who wants to watch a blowjob?

Big Tits: Mommy issues. Obviously.

College: This category is for older men who played JV football and desperately want to return to a time where they weren’t financially obligated to support a bitch ex-wife and three money-grubbing shit hole children.

Creampie: This is a category for men with secret eating disorders.

Feet: This category is reserved for really strange people. Why do you want to watch women rub their feet on a dick? Do you know where feet go every day? It’s nasty. You’re nasty. But if you want to come over and rub my feet I’m totes down for that.

Fetish: Again, this is a broad category. Are you searching for “medical porn”? Then you’re a serial killer. Are you searching for “female domination”? You’re a mommy’s boy who failed 1st grade. Are you looking for “cock and ball torture”? Then you’re a serial killer who failed first grade.

Fingered: You haven’t been on a successful date in over three years.

First Time:  You own a masturbation device and love Deviled eggs.

Gangbang: You have slept with under two women.

H.D.: You have a lot of mysterious purchases on your credit card statement and receive lots of unmarked packages to your house. 

Japanese: YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF AND THEN EXECUTED.

Latina: You are from the Midwest and you love corn.

Lesbian: After a first date the woman usually says to you: “I feel so connected to you, I can really see us being great friends!”

MILF: Mommy issues. Also, you have a recurring fantasy that your cleaning lady walks in on you masturbating and washes your dick with Pine-Sol.

P.O.V.: You have grainy cell-phone video of your ex-girlfriend giving you head. You cry every time you watch it.

Real Couples: See above.

Stockings: You are Jewish.

Teen: You have a P.O. Box and used to write fan letters to W.W.E. wrestlers.

Toon: You live in your parent’s basement with five ferrets all named after Steve Buscemi characters.

White Chicks: You really wish The WB would bring back The Wayans Bros.

I mean, really, we all want that.

The thing I took away from this social experiment is that there’s a lid for every pot. If you want to jerk off to “dominatrix midget wearing latex bumblebee costume” then you go ahead and do it. Tube sites aren’t there to judge you. They’re there to encourage you to buy penis enlargement pills and fill your computer with terrible viruses. No matter what you’re looking for just remember: clear history. Always clear history.

What’s the weirdest thing you search for? Let me know @Sloanesteel.

2 Comments »

  1. Carlos H August 29, 2013 at 7:54 PM - Reply

    Out of curiosity what was the name of your coworker who admitted he needs to watch tranny porn to get an erection?? Does it start with a E and ends with a N ?? lol

    Funny stuff tho

  2. Sloane Steel August 29, 2013 at 7:57 PM - Reply

    Carlos, believe it or not it wasn’t our favorite Sesame Street character! He’s more of a tit man…

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